Taking questions February 8th through 14th

Hi Anna, great question.

Here is my sense about it.

I think there is a prevailing idea that awareness is something separate from what appears within awareness. If I spend my life believing myself to be a separate self, that is all I know. There is no recognition of awareness as the fundamental nothingness through which all these movements of the separate self appear. From that standpoint, I really believe that I am a separate self. And I believe that this separate self is doing the seeing.

But then we hear a pointer one day (and for you it can be today, right now) that says, "Look into the nature of your own being, into that about yourself that has never moved or changed, that has never come and gone." Stop a moment, if you like, and do this. Even do it throughout the day.

As you look "from that place" and see that every single movement that you thought was you--which means all those movements of thoughts, emotions, sensations, states, and experiences that seem to make up a "little self" are really appearances within this awareness that never moves, changes, or appears.

Suddenly, your real identity is revealed for the first time. If what you really are is unmoving, unchanging, indefinable, basic awareness or being or nothingness (whatever word you like), you see that whatever is moving and changing (including thoughts, emotions, states, etc) are temporary appearances within that. Whatever is temporary cannot be what you are in the most fundamental sense. If it were the case that a thought could actually define what you are, what happens the rest of the 95% of the day when you aren't thinking THAT thought? YOU ARE STILL HERE! You are here even when you aren't defining yourself by your name, your story, or as "a little self." This is because what you are permeates or is the source of all thoughts, emotions, states, sensations, and experiences. Without you, none of it can appear. Yet you, the seeing itself, never appears as an appearance.

In that moment when you really look into that aspect of yourself that has never moved or changed, never come and gone, these questions about identity are resolved naturally. And for those that aren't resolved completely in that moment of seeing (or that hang around for a while), they will be resolved as awareness is seen to be your ongoing, real identity no matter what happens to appear and disappear.

This is a critical seeing that cannot be grasped by the intellect. A thousand rearrangements of ideas like "little self" and "awareness" and "non-duality" won't do it. They may provide an intellectual understanding that lets thought relax a little, but non-duality is not for thought to grasp. It is pointing to what you are. An experiential, present seeing.

You are what is reading these words right now. That's it. It's that simple. Every thought you have about these words is appearing and disappearing inseparably in what you are. Every thought you have about identity including "I am Anna" and "I am awareness" are still only temporary thoughts within that which is presently and actually awake right now. The thoughts never harm or destroy or affect awareness itself. Awareness is like the black sky at night, totally vast, without boundary. It has never and will never be affected in the slightest bit by whatever appears within it--star, planet, comet. They all just come and go inseparably within and as the sky, yet the black sky remains perfectly clear, unmoved, unchanged. The sense that appearances are affecting "me" comes solely from the belief in being a separate person.

In a way that the intellect cannot grasp, the little self is just an appearance within cognizing space. Many, many times throughout the day, the notion of being a self is not appearing for you. But it is completely unremarkable because THAT experience isn't being personalized. Maybe you are there, just doing laundry and not focusing on a sense of self--no self-consciousness. Just doing laundry. Then, in the next moment, thoughts of identity as a little self arise. "What should I do to awaken?" might be the question then. Yet you are that which is always and already awake. You are the impersonal, cognizing space in which doing laundry without the notion of a little self and also thinking about a little self appear and disappear. These are all movements within what you are--that which never moves or changes.

So, perhaps you can see, if only on an intellectual level right now, that what you are calling the "little self" as well as "awareness" are thoughts. All thoughts are thoughts. And they are all appearances within actual, experiential awareness. Our most profound mental descriptions of awareness and our silliest mental descriptions are both equal appearances of actual awareness. This can never be grasped by an appearance. It is the space through which all appearances come and go inseparably. You are that. Life experiencing itself.

Every thought is an appearance within what you are. Until there is the direct, experiential recognition of awareness, we tend to keep "awareness" on the intellectual level, making it into an object (a thought), just as we make ourselves into objects (thoughts). We then try to understand how one object (awareness) relates and functions with another object (the little self). This is duality. The so-called "mind." It cannot grasp non-duality. This is my sense of where your question comes from. But if you are open, my invitation is for you to read Chapter One of the Living Realization text and be interested, for a while, only in the direct and immediate experiential recognition of awareness.

Start with just non-conceptual awareness at first. Just dropping your descriptions of self, other and world and resting as that which is non-conceptually awake. That reveals directly the unmoving and unchanging aspect of your experience. It's like space in that it is without boundary, yet totally here, intimate even. It is what is present and awake before thought comes to divide the space into separate things like "Anna" and "Scott."

That first introduction into what you really are is critical. Until then, the mind just plays, dualistically, with ideas, relating one to the other, believing that it will figure out non-duality. It's a trap. Recognize awareness instead. That's my suggestion.

Perhaps you can see that the "little self' is not actually aware. It is a thought, essentially (although there is often a physical and emotional component). Thoughts are not aware. They are like little pictures that come and go. Can a picture hanging on a wall see anything? No, neither can a thought. So awareness is the only "thing" that is aware. And the notion of a little self is made up of, essentially, thoughts--none of which see anything. They are just fixed images appearing within that which sees every appearance, every thought. That is what you are. Call it awareness or whatever you like. But the word is not the thing it is pointing to. So experiential recognition is key, more so that intellectual understanding.

Scott Kiloby