Getting Beyond Self-Loathing

Jennifer Salima Holt

in order to be awake, are we supposed to be self-content all the time? in self-love and delightedness with our human personality? for most of my life, that's what i thought, so i would try and try to self-improve, working on all those 'bad' emotions and behaviors that made me a less holy or evolved person, determined to rid myself of my anger and depression and anxiety and bitchiness once and for all.

but guess what. it's still there. and the more i've tried to beat it...the shadow parts of me for lack of a better word...down, the farther away i geo from feeling integrated, self-content, or at peace.

can we be at peace, in oneness, and still have self-loathing lurking around sometimes? yes, i know so. it is only through my humanity that the light comes. it is only when i surrender trying to change, allow the bottoming out process to become my ground and cradle, that the light can buoy me. even in the self-hatred, in the regret, the frustration, the anxiety, the wishing i could die, even here, Love is, Light is, Spirit is.

that's why i like to work with prisoners. because when they truly get that they are ok, regardless of what they have done, who they are, where they are, regardless of their mistakes, then pretty remarkable transformations occur.

we all need to feel loved, accepted, cared about. adyashanti recently said that loving others is effortless compared to loving ourselves. am i, at times, seeking acceptance from others yet unable to give it to myself? yes, of course. and then i turn again, bow and surrender to the feelings raging inside of me, allowing them to have their day and their say, as a sacred loving witness who can accept even this.

we are not perfect. we never will be. we are blood and guts and fights and insults and judgments and dirty deeds and horrible secrets. and even that is acceptable. make room for even these shadowy parts and so much more Love will pour in, so much more.

and in this writing, i make it so for myself. thank you for reading.

love and salaams, jennifer salima