Freedom in the story of me
I always thought I had to choose between believing my story and rejecting it. Now I realize this story is a fantastic work of fiction. Let me explain.
From the highest perspective there is nothing but awareness, not separate from any experience. Any thought doesn’t mean much from this perspective, including a judgment on a personal story. There’s possibly not much more to say about the essence of non-duality, and hopefully I’ve properly introduced this for anyone unfamiliar with it.
If you have a painful personal story, and that’s your perspective, it is possible only staying with ‘this is a meaningless painful story, appearing in awareness’ isn’t going to bring forth a shift to a higher perspective. This can especially play if there is deep fear or rejection.
My inclination has been to reject my own story, and when I heard of non-duality I saw this as a confirmation of my beliefs. I saw only awareness as real, and any story as unimportant. Around the same time, I started to become more aware of the rejecting thoughts. For me, it was key in this process to get in touch with the body and with emotions. It was important to let these energies flow and bring some love and acceptance to them. Energetically, rejection reverses the natural flow of energy in the body so it doesn’t flow much anymore.
When non-duality was first recognized here, it had the focus of my attention and my story became unimportant. When I got in touch with emotions my attention shifted to healing that, and the non-dual perspective went more into the background. Other times there weren’t many emotions and then the non-dual perspective would come into the foreground again. This went back and forth, like a camera lens zooming in, out, in, out, etc. But in the non-dual perspective the story of me was still subtly rejected. By finding it unimportant I couldn’t allow myself to honor the importance of it. When I saw interviews on the web with teachers and others, I always thought all of their stories were valid, but mine somehow wasn’t.
Now I can see that my story is more like fantastic fiction. Like an exciting book that you don’t stop reading halfway just because you found out that it’s fiction. Now I can completely allow myself to go on using healing techniques and reading helpful books. And I can totally allow myself to be interested in evolution and integral theory, to see patterns, to be in contact with the body, to accept and let go of emotions or to go to a teacher. And I can do these things without making myself wrong for getting into my story. Doing these things isn’t wrong, because the story of me is beautiful and fantastic. So when I write that the story of me is beautiful fiction, I don’t mean that in the sense of ‘well it’s beautiful, but it’s still just fiction’. I mean this fiction is to be enjoyed, savored!